A Day in the Life of the Fullmetal Alchemist
by stargazerlilith
Summary: Just a normal day for the Fullmetal Alchemist


A Day in the Life of the Fullmetal Alchemist

AN: Written for the Secret Santa FMA On Tumblr for Optimistic Violinist.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. I just enjoy writing about them.

 _Why the fuck does this always happen to him?! Fucking 'Father' and his fucking Homunculi and their fucking plans. Not to mention Colonel Bastard was gonna be pissed for him 'damaging' property or some shit like that. It's not like he went looking for this shit. It just always landed in his fucking lap. He was happily minding his own business arguing with Al over transmutation circles and arrays when shit hit the fan._

 _It's not his fault that these moronic people thought alchemy was some sort of act of god. Pretty sure, Lust had a hand in that. It's not his fault that they knocked him out and trussed him up like a pig. No, nope, not his fault._

He groaned rolling his head to the side. _Motherfuckers must have hit him with a fucking steel pole. IT FUCKING Hurt. Fucking concussion making his vision blurry._ Tugging on the ropes, he couldn't help but grin. _Fucking morons left him his automail. Damn amateurs. We must be getting close if Lust is getting this fucking sloppy._

Titling his head to the side, Edward could faintly make out his brother's armor. _Fucking idiots, trussing us up like pigs and underestimating us._ He could tell his brother was pretending.

He could faintly make out his brother's heavy foot tapping. _WAIT. Al wanting him to wait. For what? FUCK! Why? They needed to get the fuck out of here._ He took a deep breath prepared to answer him back when he heard footfalls. _FUCK_! He squinted at his brother's foot. He was still tapping WAIT. _FUCK_. _FINE._

The footfalls stopped and he heard a heavy lead door open. He could hear the murmur of voices. _Fuck, AL had better have a good fucking reason for waiting._

"Yes, we found them. Who would of thought that the great sun god, Leto, would give us one of his prized possessions?", the unknown man praised.

"Yes, the sun god is very generous to you. However, you must complete the ritual to gain his favor," a familiar sultry voice murmured.

 _Just fucking great, another delusional man of god._ Edward blinked and looked towards the voices. He could make out Lust's form clad in black with her cleavage slipping out. He took note of her deadly nails and looked towards the unknown man. He was fat like Father Cornelius was, but that's where the similarities ended. He was shorter with dark brown mousy hair with robes that looked like a five-year's old drawing of the sun.

The pair stopped in front of him and he could hear Lust's tone change. "Make sure you complete the ritual, tonight. Wouldn't want Leto to forsake you, after bestowing such a gift," she commanded walking away leaving the priest alone with the two brothers.

The priest looked gleeful and commanded two of his disciples to come into the room.

Edward could hear them murmur words between them making out a few things here and there. They were discussing some sort of ritual and apparently, they were the sacrifice of some sort. _Just fucking_ _great_. He could hear the faint tapping from his brother, this time, fingers. _Wait, he still wanted to fucking wait. Why the fuck were they waiting?_

He closed his eyes and waited. It felt like a fucking eternity. He felt them pick him up grunting and he heard wheels moving. Must have put Al on a fucking dolly, he mused. He could hear more footsteps and the door opening and closing. He counted at least ten more people in the room.

They were unceremoniously deposited in the middle of a circle. A transmutation circle. Edward stared down at it and swore. _Fucking idiots, what they wanted to do... was fucking suicide. The damn priest was trying to steal their alchemy. FUCKING IDOITS. What the fuck was Lust playing at?_

Ed snapped his eyes open and looked at the priest. "Ah! Good, your awake," the man bellowed motioning for his followers to stand in a circle around them. "The great Leto has gifted us with this opportunity. We shall endure not to squander this moment. Leto has graced us with his prized possessions wrapped into this miniature package, we shall- "

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING SO MICROSCOPIC THAT HE FIT INTO – "Edward yelled tearing through his ropes in his fury.

"Brother," Al groaned breaking his restraints.

Edward blinked. "Sorry, AL. But these motherfuckers have no fucking idea what they are messing with. "

"Yes, well, we could have gotten more if you would have just WAITED. "Al calmly pointed out wiping his foot along the chalk smearing the circle.

Everyone in the room just looked around the two, dumbfounded. The priest was the first to get his bearings and roared for them to surround them, guns pointed.

Edward looked at them and sighed. "AL, Colonel Bastard is gonna be pissed again. But, wanna do that thing we talked about. After all, We are GIFTS from the sun god. Maybe we should show 'em," Edward asked his wolfish grin spreading across his features. Al sighed and looked at his brother with his red eyes. "It's the polite thing to do, brother" Al said solemnly, but Edward could hear the grin.

Edward shifted his hands tugging on his gloves. After all, these morons never thought to check him for anything. It's not like they knew that they tweaked with the gloves, just a bit. Just enough to enable Edward to give a show. He looked over to Al and nodded.

The people around them knew something had changed in the air. For some reason, the brothers, the gifts were not afraid of guns. They looked up at the priest and cocked back their guns waiting for their orders. "Gifts from Leto, we do not wish to harm you, but we will wound you if necessary. We are but humble servants that the GREAT GOD—," he thundered.

"OI! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The priest sputtered turning a ridiculously shade of red at Ed's outburst. Edward looked at the priest with fury in his golden eyes.

"You have NO FUCKING IDEA, what you're messing with. ALCHEMY IS NOT SOME FUCKING JOY RIDE. NOT A FUCKING GIFT FROM YOUR GOD. ITS FUCKING SCIENCE, EQULIVANT EXCHANGE! NOT SOME MIRACLOUS EVENT. You people are so FUCKING STUPID. I am given you a chance. BACK OFF!"

The priest looked indignantly at the brothers and started to spout his nonsense. "NOPE SORRY FUCKER! That was your only chance!" Edward bellowed walking towards his brother.

He calmly looked at the priest with his wolfish grin spreading and snapped his fingers. Fire escaped from the ground in fiery columns around them. He heard a clap and the ground below them shook. Columns on earth shot inside the fire becoming molten hot.

He had no idea that these boys could do these things. _What had he gotten into_? He could hear the gunfire from his followers' guns. Their cries of fury, shock, and fear ringing through the air. He heard another snap and cries of pain ringing through the air. He looked towards his followers, frozen in spot, watching their guns melt in their hands.

He looked towards the Fullmetal Alchemist and his armored brother. The power radiated from them as the fire and earth danced around them reflecting off metal and golden eyes.

 _So much power._

 _How was any of this possible?_

 _They must be…wait...; no...; he didn't know. Oh, dear Leto forgive me!_

The priest dropped to his knees wailing about forgiveness. He felt the earth shake around him and trapped him in an earthen prison.

He felt the fires die down and looked around him. All his followers were trapped into similar prisons. The building was collapsed around them, but miraculously no one was hurt except for burns on those holding the guns. The boy, no… GOD, stood in the middle with his armored brother looking pleased with himself.

Colonel Roy Mustang just groaned as reports of Fullmetal's newest exploits came rolling in. The boy was a walking disaster. But, he got things done. He rubbed at his temples feeling the headache coming on. He knew Hawkeye was watching him, but, now he needed to take a breath.

He looked down at the reports from his men. Building destroyed, earth prisons, kidnapping, religious fanatics, burns… scorch marks… Mustang looked up at his reports and looked at Hawkeye. "Are these reports accurate, Lieutenant?"

"Yes, sir, Fullmetal was captured by religious fanatics. He was able to outmaneuver their plans. It's all in the report, Sir," she answered her voice void of emotion. However, her brown eyes showed her concern.

Just what in the hell had happen?

He continued to read the reports and sighed.

He looked up when he heard a ruckus in the hall and a slam of the door. Mustang straighten himself up willing himself to look neutral. Said walking disaster came waltzing in the room without a care.

"Oi! Colonel Bastard! Why the hell are you seeing me on a good damn goose chase?!" Edward asked flopping down onto the chair sprawling himself out.

Mustang lifted an eyebrow and looked at him deciding not to answer him.

"Fullmetal, your report?" he drawled.

"Don't know why you have me give you this. I know your damn lackeys saw everything," Edward grumbled tossing a paper at him.

Mustang looked down at the report hoping his eye wasn't twitching. Scrawled in black ink was the ineptest report ever given.

It read: Got kidnapped, motherfuckers were idiots, things went boom, Al and me are fine, fuckers were arrested.

"I don't know how someone so small causes so much damage, Fullmetal," Mustang drawled.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING SO MINATURE HE COULD ONLY WRECK A DOLLHOUSE!"

Mustang looked at him with calm indifference secretly enjoying the show.

"Fullmetal, how did things 'go boom' as you eloquently put it?"

Edward shrugged and gave him a wolf grin. "Figure it out, Colonel. No one was killed—."

"A small blessing considering the amount of paperwork for that—," Roy countered.

Ignored him, Edward continued, "So, unless you got something for me. I'm starving and Al's waiting." Edward moved to get up, but Mustang grasped his arm and tugged on the glove. "Fullmetal, I believe we need to talk. Get Alphonse and report back. That's an order!" Roy shouted holding the flint infused glove up.

Edward sighed and resigned himself to long night. _Go figure the fucker would have figured it out_.

He looked at Mustang with a shit eating grin. "What? Mad that I figured it out? Not so unique, now are you?" He shouted running out of the door leaving a sputtering Colonel behind him.


End file.
